A letter to heaven..

Mum's funeral in UK

Dear Mum

It’s been three years since we last spoke, doesn’t time fly. Such a lot has happened that I haven’t been able to tell you about. I really do miss not being able to lift the phone and call you. They say it gets easier with time but it’s not true. You just learn better how to cope with the terrible grief. 

When I spoke at your funeral I mentioned another reinvention and dedicating this one to you. Little did I know at the time what form that would take. I thought I meant reinventing myself into a different competitive sport but it actually turned out quite different. In the end I quit teaching, a scary thing at the time because I rendered myself unemployed on purpose. But this gave me the opportunity to retrain and set up Ryding2Health (again) but this time as a full time business. I wish you could see it now. I have a wonderful bunch of dedicated clients and we get some fabulous results. It’s scary though, running your own business. It’s such a fine line between success and failure and your entire future lies in your own hands, you don’t just collect a wage and let someone else worry about the rest.

You would laugh at the stuff I have had to learn, my accountant is incredibly patient with me! I now employ part time staff which is scary yet exciting. But I am always having to invent things! Like time sheets, performance evaluators, a host of tax paperwork to file: my head spins sometimes. You can’t just pull out a form someone hands to you, you have to create one!

Times are tough. It takes time to build a business so financially it’s a struggle. But we made a list the other day and you will be pleased to know I’m a lot happier than I have been for a long time. Money cannot buy you happiness. I feel like I have reached a realisation period in my life and see you in me. I remember you at my age now and understand what people say about the mid life ‘crisis’. Personally I would rename it epiphany. Because you re-evaluate your life and realise that you are mortal, so it’s time to do the things that make you happy and ditch the other thing. So that’s what I am doing.

Time cannot always heal grief either. This week has been incredibly hard. It doesn’t seem like three years ago. Yet at the same time it feels like a lifetime ago since I last spoke to you.

I have a wee spot by the sea that I go to to find peace and remember you. I imagine you on the waves, watching over us. Perhaps you are, who knows.

Sometimes it’s happy memories, sometimes not so happy. But my memories are my memories and no one can take them away from me.

Sleep peacefully in heaven. Miss you so much.