This is something I find myself doing a lot. Quite a heck of a lot. It’s also something my psychologist talks about a lot.
The word ‘should’ is self critical. It’s one of the worst things you can say to yourself. You are putting your own unrealistic fixed expectations or rules on everyone and everything when you use the word ‘should’. It suggests that there is an alternative, specific, correct way of doing things. All of these things are clearly wrong. So why do I, or maybe even ‘we’ keep doing it to ourselves?
I find myself using this word all too often, applying to unrealistic statements, events, or things. I did it today in fact. It wasn’t till I stopped and thought about it that I realised, I have an unconscious unrealistic self expectation that everything I do needs to be the same as it was in my late 30m’s or early 40’s.
In fact there are many things I have not taken into account here. The main two being…
- Age. We get older, things change, our abilities change. everything, in fact, gradually changes.
- Injury. Let’s face it, I have had my share, since the late 30’s. A total knee replacement, then an amputation, a lymphedema, and a foot injury that required another adapted custom orthotic, due to the extra load on my remaining foot. To name just a few.
In my late 30’s I was at the top of my sporting game. Racing on the international age group circuit and absolutely loving it. I have always been someone who wants more. I wanted to do my best, be my best, at everything all the time. At the time I didn’t even know what that looked like internally so I externally projected my wants and dreams onto what was near to me. This made for a completely unrealistic future belief.
I am not a natural leader. So why I was measuring my teaching success on how high my leadership role was? Shouldn’t success have been based on how well I was teaching my students how to be decent humans?
I am not and never was naturally sporty. Neither were my parents. So why was I measuring my best on how near to the no 1 position I could get? I worked hard. I did pretty well actually looking at the bigger picture. But I was never going to be a podium finisher. Having said that I qualified for GB 5 consecutive years, and my move to NZ prevented me taking up my qualification spot for the 6th year.
Today, I was asking myself why the heck I was measuring myself on a fanciful unrealistic image of my 10 years younger self.
I should be able to walk over to the pub from here easier than this.
It is wrong that I can get around easier with my arms than I can with my legs.
I should be doing more exercise than I am
I should be able to run using my blade.
I should be able to work more than I can.
Said who? I ask myself?
It’s hardly any wonder I struggle like I do. What happened to me was so rare that 5 different medical professionals didn’t look for the obvious symptoms and come to the right conclusion because they too fell for it.
Someone as young as me shouldn’t have these types of vascular problems
In addition, the crazy blinkered para classification process ignores so many things..
She has a lower leg amputation ✔️
She has a total knee replacement on the other side
She has a right leg severe lymphedema
She has no major arteries left in the remainder of her left leg
So I have had a few words with myself this evening. AND I am writing this down so I remember, and so YOU can do a self reality check too on your use of the word ‘should’.
What I now need to say to myself
- My arms carry me better than my legs, in a lot of situations and that is ok.
- I am ten years older than I was when I was AG racing. I am allowed to struggle more, be slower, etc etc. this is ok too.
- I am doing my best. I always have done. I still do a lot more than some able bodied people my age. This is not just ok, this is bloody excellent and I need to recognise it as such.
- There are some things that, due to my injury, I can no longer do. This is ok. More than ok.
Your turn….. 😊
