I have had a lot of thoughts lately about life, age, ageing, and the like. Some are just snapshots of a life lived, some are wonderingly about the life still to be lived.
I was scrolling through old photos and I found this one. I am in my early 30’s here. At that point in my life, I always thought I was too fat for certain clothes, never wore a bikini, or a crop top, thought I was a rubbish runner. I was always longing to have things I did not have, wishing my life away with when I do X I will have Y and so on. What I failed to see was what was right before my eyes. It’s only now that I can look back and see this.
At this point in my life I had just discovered exercise, having read a book written by Jane Tomlinson that truly changed the course of the rest of my life. I remember my past as before and after I found exercise.
The before is very faded in my memory. Beer, junk food, back in the time when going out on the town was how you socialised, packed crowds shoulder to shoulder and loud noise. I really can’t remember much else and it is not because I chose it that way, it is because exercise and specifically triathlon became a central part of who I was and how I ‘relaxed’.
Fast forward twenty years and the whole way at move my body was altered for ever and it threatened to derail everything that I was. I clearly remember my occupational therapist telling me I needed to come up with some other ways of relaxing that were not swim, bike or run related. I kept drawing a blank. Exercise was both my saviour and my source of stress both at the same time.
I look back on those 30’s, the triathlon years, with fondness as well as sadness. I remember looking at the age group ladies in their 60’s and 70’s and decided that was going to be me. Unfortunately that option was taken away from me 4.5 years ago.
I am very pig headed and when I lost my leg, I decided that was not going to stop me. From triathlon, from age group, I WAS going to get it back. Little did I know that, much life being a female referee, the world was not ready for me. I truly think that I was born before my time. The world is still not ready for me.
In referee terms – women referees did not dominate the news stories till over a decade later. By then I was too old to be the type of referee I wanted to be.
In disability terms, I have been completely shocked to discover how underprepared the world is for disability. How very discriminatory and exclusionary it has turned out to be. Again, I am before my time,what I want to happen, the access and equality I want to have, I doubt will exist in my lifetime.
The way disabled athletes are classified is fraught with problems. The way I have been classified is, in my opinion, unfair. Is this a fight worth fighting? No. Again, I am here before my time.
So, I need to adapt instead. Where that leaves my future is yet to be determined.
However, where did all that time go? How did I suddenly arrive in my 50’s? I remember thinking 50’s was on the way to being old. Now I am here, my mind still thinks I can do anything I want, whereas my body has completely different ideas.
I used to think I would be a teacher for ever. It was all I wanted to do, to be. This year marks 10 years of being self employed and quite frankly, I intend to remain self employed for the rest of my working life.
But, hang on a minute, in two years I could collect my teachers pension. Like, WTAF? When did I get old? I didn’t notice that happening. I remember sitting in a staff room in a school in England thinking, wait, when did I stop being a young teacher in my 30’s and suddenly find myself on the older teachers table?
I have spent so much of this lifetime wishing forward, rather than thanking my lucky stars for what is, right now. I mean, Covid was now 5 years ago. My friends Rachel died of cancer at the age of 33 FIVE years ago now. My mum has been gone for twelve years now. Each time a moment like this hits me it sends me back into that spiral – where did all that time go?
The last six months… have been hellish. I have been in a deep deep depression, with my PTSD way out of control. It took one small comment by my therapist a week or so ago to snap me back into the now.
You don’t have to approach everything in life like it’s a race you need to win.
I am now back on the re-build. I notice I had withdrawn from social life, stopped doing a lot of the things I loved, stopped wearing bright colours, stopped posting on social media, stopped blogging. But, like I have already said many times, there is no time to waste. I am probably two thirds of the way through my life and I am nowhere near done yet. So my focus now is as follows:
- Smile at least once a day
- Feel thankful for every new day.
- Do what I want to do. (Do not let anyone or anything negatively influence me)
- Keep my body moving. It does not matter what that looks like.
Growing old is a privilege not afforded to everyone. Be thankful that you have, and continue to grow older.
