The Narcissistic abuse cycle: understanding how you became the victim

Narcissistic abuse is a pattern of harmful behaviours used by one person to manipulate / exploit another. It usually consists of a four stage cycle: idealisation, devaluation, discard and hoover.

Until very recently, I had not even heard of the term Narcissistic personality disorder, much less realised that it was something I had been a victim of for a significant period of my life.

While an outward show of superiority is a definite part of the narcissistic personality, a sense of superiority (or pursuit of it) is not the central factor. The root of this disorder is actually a strict resistance to feeling vulnerable with anyone at any time.

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So, let’s start by looking at what it actually is and how it presents, starting with the four cycles of abuse.

1. Idealisation

This is the initial stage of the cycle. The victim is lavished with attention, charm and performative devotion. They are swept along by a symphony of promises and compliments. A tactic of future faking is used to paint an idyllic picture of future security. The victim is seduced and put on a high pedestal where they are made to feel like they are the centre of the other persons universe. The victim feels seen, heard and treasured.

The more narcissistic someone is, the more they see people as objects.

The perpetrator’s underlying message during the idealization phase is You remind me of me. You reflect the qualities I associate with my idealized self-image. The perpetrator engages with the victim as the delightful Dr. Jekyll persona they use to mask the odious Mr. Hyde at their core.

Manipulation tactics

• Counterfeit concern – deceptive empathy to further their own agenda.
• Data mining – unusually high level of interest in their preferences, dreams and goals – which they use to uncover the victim’s vulnerabilities.
• False self – and alter ego they create to reflect the victim’s ideal partner. This facade is different from their real self.
• Love bombing – The victim is placed on a figurative pedestal by the perpetrator, who manipulates them into believing that they are soul mates, twin flames, or kindred spirits with intense and relentless attention. The victim becomes emotionally dependent on the perpetrator. The aim is to gain trust, lower their defenses, and establish an intense connection. The behavior is akin to the deliberate fattening of livestock prior to their eventual slaughter. (!!)
• Mirroring – The victim’s words, actions, body language, and behaviors are imitated by the perpetrator. The purpose this is to cause the victim to feel strongly identified with the perpetrator, who essentially reflecting the victim’s winning qualities back to them to invoke familiarity, establish rapport, build trust, and create a sense of connection. It fosters a sense of unity and understanding between the victim and the perpetrator.
• Pathological lying – Perpetrators are prone to compulsive self enhancing deception. They lie to manipulate others and to lull any suspicions to sleep. Lies are the foundation of the false persona they create to seduce the victim.

2. Devaluation

The devaluation phase of narcissistic abuse plunges the victim into a distressing abyss of emotional turmoil. Once the perpetrator’s idealized facade crumbles, a stark transformation occurs, revealing a cruel and calculating nature. In this phase, the abuser systematically erodes the victim’s self-esteem, belittling their achievements, criticizing their every move, and inflicting psychological wounds. Insults, gaslighting, and constant put-downs become weapons used to undermine the victim’s sense of self-worth. The devaluation phase seeks to diminish the victim’s confidence, leaving them bewildered, shattered, and questioning their own sanity. It is a calculated assault on their identity, leaving them vulnerable and primed for further manipulation.

This is the phase when intermittent reinforcement is used to condition the victim to accept abuse and foster trauma bonds. The perpetrator is hot and cold with the victim. They withdraw the validation, approval, and rapport that characterized the idealization phase. Instead, there is criticism, invalidation, put downs, and anxiety. The victim becomes increasingly anxious and distressed. They find themselves walking on eggshells, ever frightened of triggering the perpetrator and desperate to appease them.

Generally, the perpetrator’s underlying message during the devaluation phase is Why can’t you be more like me? You’re failing to reflect the qualities I associate with my idealized self image!

Manipulation tactics

• Blame shifting – When confronted about their behavior the perpetrator redirects blame onto others or external factors in order to evade accountability.
• Constant criticism – The victim is subjected to a continuous stream of negative feedback, disparaging remarks, and judgmental comments, which erode their self-esteem, creating a profound sense of worthlessness and emotional distress. The perpetrator further extends their criticism to encompass the victim’s family and friends, leaving the victim burdened with a deep sense of shame.
• Emotional neglect – The victim no longer receives emotional validation, attention, and care from the perpetrator, causing them to feel unheard, disconnected, and taken for granted. The sudden and unexplained withdrawal of affection impacts the victim’s self-esteem and sense of self.
• Exploitation – The victim is taken advantage of by the perpetrator who uses their trust to make use of their access, resources and/or labor for their own benefit. It is done without concern for the victim’s human rights or well-being. The exploitation may be emotional, intellectual, economic, social or sexual.
• Gaslighting – When the victim confronts the perpetrator the are met with this tactic to undermine the their perception of reality and make them doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The perpetrator denies facts in an attempt to alter the victim’s memories. The aim of gaslighting is to gain power and control over the victim by destabilizing their confidence and creating a state of confusion and dependency.
• Intermittent reinforcement – The perpetrator blows hot and cold. One day they idealize the victim, the next they are completely indifferent. The victim becomes increasingly desperate to climb back on the pedestal and revert to the idealization stage, unaware that it was not sincere. The harder the victim tries to win back the affection of the perpetrator the more callous the perpetrator becomes.
• Isolation – The perpetrator’s manipulation will often lead to the victim cutting off treasured family members and friends. By isolating the victim, the perpetrator of the abuse to better able to control their access to information and influence their world view. As the perpetrator’s aggression escalates, the victim has no one to turn to.
• Silent treatment – The perpetrator deliberately ignores or refuses to acknowledge the victim. They do no speak to them. It is a tactic used to exert control, power, and/or punish the recipient of the abuse. By intentionally withholding communication, the silent treatment can cause feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and emotional distress in the targeted individual.
• Triangulation – This is a divide and conquer tactic. The perpetrator creates and leverages a dynamic wherein the victim is pitted against others, causing conflict, chaos, and division. The perpetrator strategically uses a third party to undermine the victim’s confidence, fostering insecurity, competition and/or jealousy.

3. Discard

This is when the manipulator abruptly withdraws their emotional investment and callously ends the relationship. During this phase, the perpetrator views the victims a devalued, negative object that must be ejected from their grandiose presence. The more narcissistic the perpetrator is, the more they coldly and cruelly they will treat the victim during the discard. There is no longer any need to hide their true nature so the false persona they used to infiltrate the victim’s life is dropped, leaving the horrified victim to find themselves dealing with the con artist behind the mask.

Gone is the soul mate. In their place is a mercenary stranger who treats the victim like a worthless inconvenience. Every moment of kindness and devotion is forgotten, leaving the victim shocked, hurt, and emotionally devastated. The perpetrator may display a complete lack of empathy or remorse. Flabbergasted and in deep emotional pain, the victim often discovers that the perpetrator has carefully planned the discard long before it happened.

Moreover, the perpetrator may have already moved on with an affair partner, who has taken the victim’s place on the coveted pedestal. THE perpetrator experiences profound satisfaction over successfully fooling the victim, bystanders, members of their social circle, authorities, etc. Other behaviors present during the discard are contempt, hostility and fury, which are used to strike terror in the victim and thus control them.

During the discard phase, the victim is dealing solely with Mr. Hyde, who rejects the object on to which he has projected all of his flaws. During this phase, the perpetrator repeatedly hammers the ultimate insult into the victim’s head: You’re nothing like me! You don’t reflect the qualities I associate with my illustrious self image.

Manipulation tactics

• DARVO (Deny, attack, reverse, victim and offender) – This is a manipulation tactic used to invalidate the victim’s disclosures. The perpetrator denies the allegations, attacks the credibility of the victim, and reverses the roles, portraying themselves as the victim instead.
• Betrayal – The victim’s trust will be repeatedly violated. Promises and commitments will be broken. The betrayal usually takes the form of infidelity, but it can also express in other ways, i.e. running up credit card debt in the the victim’s name and leaving them to deal with the fall out.
• Projection – The perpetrator disavows their undesirable thoughts, emotions, or traits by projecting them onto the victim. This includes internal conflicts, insecurities, or impulsive behavior. Through this cognitive distortion the perpetrator externalizing their faults and maintains the narcissistic self-deception that they are perfect.
• Sabotage – The victim’s progress and goals are deliberately undermined, obstructed by the perpetrator, who actively chips away at their self-esteem, withholds information, and engages in character assassination of the victim behind their back with gossip, rumor-mongering, exclusion, or social manipulation.

4. Re-engagement

One might think perpetrators of narcissistic abuse would leave the victim alone after actively trying to destroy them. However, people who indulge in the cycle of narcissistic abuse tend to have low empathy or no genuine remorse for pain they cause others. Moreover, the perpetrators are well aware of the emotional dependency they meticulously cultivated in the victim, and they understand that a part of the victim may still yearn to reclaim their position atop the pedestal. Excessively narcissistic people revel in their ability to control others, and they often see it is as a testament to their superiority when they are able to successfully re-engage with a victim. 

The re-engagement stage of the narcissistic abuse cycle is called the hoover manoeuvre or hoovering in popular psychology. It used to describe the perpetrator’s efforts to “suck” the victims back into the relationship after the discard phase, like a vacuum cleaner.

The underlying message of this phase of the abuse cycle is Remember me? Remember how good it felt when you reflected the qualities I associate with my grandiose self image?It aims to activate the powerful trauma bonds cultivated in the victim to make quick work of drawing the them back into the narcissistic abuse cycle.

Manipulation tactics

• Feigned remorse – The perpetrator may offer a disingenuous fauxpology, also known as a non-apology. It is entirely insincere and utilitarian. However, feigned remorse only ever goes so far and there will be countless excuses, justifications, and endless blame-shifting to avoid accountability.
• Idealisation (See above.)
• Jealousy baiting – The perpetrator purposely attempts to provoke feelings of jealousy in the victim. They engage in activities and make statements with the intention of eliciting envy or insecurity in the victim. The victim’s jealousy can be leveraged by the perpetrator to maintain power and control over their emotions.
• Minimising – The perpetrator’s aggression and its harm to the victim is downplayed and left unresolved in their hasty effort to move back into the idealization phase.
• Pity Plays – The perpetrator seeks to evoke sympathy, compassion, or guilt in the victim by claiming that they have also been victimized and experienced hardships. By soliciting the victim’s pity the perpetrator can draw them into providing emotional support, attention, and other forms of validation, jump starting the relationship once again.

[The above information is taken from the website narcissisticabuserehab.com]

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This is a heck of a lot to get your head round if this is the first time you are reading about this. Moreover, even tougher still, if it is a situation that you think you might have found yourself in without knowing it. I mean, who ever asks to be the victim of abuse? No one I wouldn’t think.

So, lets look at what vulnerabilities abusers might target:

• Chronic illness. The victim may suffer from a chronic illness and need extra support or they may have recovered from accident or some other type long-term health challenge.
• Emotional dependence. Development of an excessive reliance on another person for emotional support, validation, and well-being. People with emotional dependency may feel incomplete or inadequate without constant reassurance or attention from the object of their affection.
• Financial dependence. Perpetrators of narcissistic abuse often target people who are financially compromised in some way. They may exploit the financial insecurity of the victim and use it as leverage to assert control.
• History of trauma or abuse. Perpetrators may exploit the lingering emotional wounds of past trauma, using them to their advantage to manipulate and control the victim.
• Isolation. People who are socially isolated or lacking a strong support network are more vulnerable to the manipulation tactics of abusers who aim to increate their isolation and keep them under their thumb.
• Loneliness. People who are disconnected from others often lack of emotional and social support. This can make them vulnerable to manipulators who exploit their craving for validation and connection.
• Low self esteem. Individuals lacking self-confidence and self-worth may be more susceptible to manipulation and may seek validation from others, making them ideal targets for abusers who can shower them with false affection.

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Thank you for reading. In my next blog I will detail how I came to realise I had become a victim of this type of abuse. It was a very very tough thing to learn. I never in a million years thought I would ever become an abuse victim, but a rather extreme set of circumstances unveiled the truth in it all for me.

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IF YOU THINK YOU ARE A VICTIM OF ABUSE…

Please reach out. Find a number to call, a friend to confide in, do SOMETHING. And remember, none of this was your fault.

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