I never in a million years thought the day would come where I recognised that I had been the victim of abuse – but those are the facts. It took me 17 years to actually see this. What was it that actually happened to show me? My leg was amputated, that’s what.
Ok, let’s reel back. Please make sure you have read my previous blog post, as I will refer to its contents in my explanation here today.
I Remember clearly when I met my ex. I also remember asking my mum at some stage – how does someone know when they have ‘found the one’. Her answer: if you have to ask, then you haven’t found them yet.
Idealisation (love bombing) phase
The idealisation (love bombing) phase truly was exactly as described. But, at the same time, one could be forgiven for thinking that is how it should be? How would I know either way, I was only 29 years old and had not really had all that many partners at that stage, having been more career orientated till that point.
He went to almost all my races, at home and overseas, was the model supporter at the finish line, when I was going through stress at work (as a teacher), I struggled to find fault, he seemed just perfect.
In the description I found of this, it said – akin to fattening livestock before you send them to slaughter. Those words hit me hard. Because that is exactly how it felt when he announced unexpectedly that he was leaving me, the day after I found out they could not save my leg and would have to amputate.
I truly no longer know what was true and what was a lie any more when I look back. He wanted to be a triathlete, wanted me to train him (but quickly got bored of that – we cant have that when I knew more than he did?) He then decided to make a deal of running a marathon in the same city that I went to attend a world championship. Slowly chipping away at undermining me? Who knows what to think these days.
Devaluation phase
Devaluation started to become evident in the years after we moved to New Zealand. NOTE: he was only able to come here on the back of my residency visa as my ‘spouse” because I had a job that was on the skills shortage list. Perhaps that was the reason things started to unravel. Because once again, I was more clever, a higher wage earner, the leader of the pack for a while.
I quit teaching due to many mental stress factors that had compounded over a number of years. for a while I was earning nothing at all.
At this stage, he took over all the finances. I was not in a good headspace so I didn’t question this. When I look back on this now, this was ultimate control and I still to this day do not know where a lot of our finances went. I was, prior to quitting teaching, earning a high wage, yet we still always seemed to be broke.
When I started my own business I found this significantly more stressful mentally and financially than I had found anything else in my life. He paid lip service only, at this stage when it came to support. He had blatant disregard for the gravity of the financial situation we seemed to find ourselves in and said we didn’t need a house, we could live in a camper van or wherever. He said this over and over and I just couldn’t understand why he was saying this. It did not seem to be an attractive future prospect to me at all.
In the end I had a breakdown, almost lost everything and – with the help of my father – paid for a private ASD diagnostic test. I don’t recall any kind of support from him at this stage. But, it did suddenly make most of life make sense to me at last and I could finally understand why I could not do some things at all, and often felt like a dumb ass.
I do, however remember that the ‘broken’ model seemed a little less attractive to him now. The ASD needs that had now been identified were completely ignored or disregarded by him and he repeatedly kept asking was I better yet, or had I gotten over it yet. This really angered me.
Along with that, I was told I had no friends, had no hobbies, I was a nobody. At the same time he stared to go to dance classes and seemed to be there a heck of a lot. I have to say I did get suspicious but for some reason did not pursue this.
Don’t forget, I am in a god awful mental headspace, he as taken control for the finances and removed his support – now pretty much just a flat mate. He moved out of the shared bedroom and started sleeping in the spare room.
Things finally came to a head for me when I started having suicidal thoughts. Not just fantasies, I had it all planned out where, when, how. I was now seriously worried about my own mental health and any friends I might have had had now fallen by the wayside. I was completely alone.
I called a suicide helpline one night from my planned spot where I was going to end it. I have never done this ever before. They tracked him down (he was not at home) and got him to call me telling him that this was a crisis point and he needed to support me.
He called me, told me I was being foolish, there was no way I would top myself and he refused to come or talk to me any further. Now THAT, right there, told me a story, but it was one I was still not ready to face. We are now firmly in the emotional neglect, blame shifting and constant criticism camp. Little did I know it at the time. Almost all the manipulation tactics I listed in my last blog are obvious right here.
Discard phase
The Discard happened very abruptly the day after I was told they would have to amputate my leg. I clearly remember him contradicting things he had said earlier that day, a day or so ago, I didn’t know what to believe, so I believed none of it. He packed a bag and drove off. 4 days before my leg was amputated.
He tried to tell me he was the victim, he had had to see a works counsellor, bla bla bla. I stopped listening because – for fuck sake they are chopping my leg off in a few days, do you not care about that? Clearly not it seemed.
When I reflect on this now, I can see the cracks started forming after we moved here. My mental health started to struggle the more control he exercised over me and at that point I had become a worthless object he could no longer screw over. I was no longer raking in that huge wage he could pilfer off me, and now he was about to have a physically broken wife too. Way too much for this controlling narcissist.
I only wish I had seen this all earlier.
Re-engagement phase
After he left, he kept turning up at the door unannounced, despite living in a different province. He would constantly text me, call me, appear at the door. It all became too much. So I had to involve a lawyer and get an agreement set up to sort out some boundaries here. I am a newly disabled person now dealing with a psychotic ex. Way too much, way too much.
Amongst all this, he tried to tell me he left for my own good, because then maybe ACC would give me more money. WTAF> even I didn’t believe that level of bullshit.
I had to get some control. So on top of the lawyer, the bank accounts were dealt with, I opened a separate one elsewhere, threatened to freeze the joint account and got some legal processes in place.
I told no one. My name stayed the same on social media and the only people who knew what was going on was my dad and my lawyer. It would be 6 more months before I was ready to tell the rest of the world. On Christmas day that year following the split, I changed my surname on Facebook. I got a massive WTAF are you ok OMG I can’t believe you were dealing with that too type response from all my friends. From my ex.. yes you guessed it… another wrath of abuse. All contact options for him were then blocked and I started to consider getting cameras at my house.
Final thoughts and reflections
I consider this whole thing a lucky escape. How I feel about it won’t even fit into words. Even my surgeon was concerned for me, and asked did I want to postpone the surgery. NO WAY.
The final showdown (or so he had hoped) – the re-engagement – didn’t happen. And oh boy he tried.
He tried to say that despite signing legal documents, he misunderstood the financial separation settlement and only meant to leave for a short while (with my $$) and then come back (er… no!)
He tried to meet me at a rugby game, so I said sure, I will be bringing my partner with me (no reply haha)
He called work claiming to have left stuff behind at my house. So the lawyer was involved once again to have more stern words with him.
I think I have finally heard the last of him. Through it all, I did not honestly understand what was happening, I can only see it now. I am thankful that my new partner (now fiancé) had him figured out a little sooner than I did.
I have no idea where all those many thousands of dollars went. But I am now rebuilding me.
Self love
Finding the old me that he had managed to drum out of me
I have a new truly amazing partner, who is teaching me what a loving relationship really should have been.
And I am finding my love for life again.
A very deep post that makes compelling reading.
My wife has a brother who displays all the characteristics that your ex does.
Occassionally he made contact, and turned up with a sad story followed by a plea for money or other favours.
It all blew up about a month ago with him threatening assault in a text message, when it wasn’t going his way.
Up until then, I had always stayed out of my wife’s family affairs.
This is longer the case from now on.
Edit :This is no longer the case
So sorry to hear you both have to deal with that. Sooo difficult when it’s family. X
Thankyou for the kind comment, now that he’s threatening our family, my wife’s eye’s are now wide open
It’s so easy to completely miss what’s going on at first. I hadn’t even heard of the term narcissist till recently. 🙁
Reading a narcissistic abuse victim’s story shows how painful the journey can be, but Narcissistic Healing is possible. Focusing on Narcissistic Healing helps survivors rebuild confidence, set boundaries, and reclaim their lives