It won’t leave me..
That yearning, for sport.. for challenge, for a purpose, for a goal.
I have been searching for two and a half years. I have read books, absorbed online videos and articles and still it won’t leave me.
I was afraid. Of setting a goal. Of imagining a dream. Afraid of failure. Of a goal too grand.
I dreamed up a few – cavorted with a few, but nothing was really speaking to me. Not like triathlon did.
I remember clearly, that day in July 2009 when I called my mum to tell her I had been selected onto team GB. I had told no one that I was even trying.
Why? Fear I wouldn’t achieve my goal. But why would that matter? I don’t know, but it did.
And sport have become central to my soul ever since. It’s the very essence of me.
I see friends, come and go in and out of retirement but always return and rejoice at crossing that finish line once more.
I miss it. Oh do I miss it.
The middle ground
They say I should forge a new path. Lay new memories. I tried. I even stood on a podium, I proudly wore the silver fern.
But that voice at the back of my mind still whispers to me. I can’t ignore it.
New horizons ?
So I began asking questions. Challenging expectations once again.
Dare I say it out loud?
Fear, hesitation, internal pressure.
There I said it, phew.
Can I qualify.. in the able bodied category?
Can I teach this leg to pedal fast enough?
Can I figure out leg changes standing up?
Can I still swim as fast wearing a blade?
Only time will tell.
Let the battle commence.