I’m not sure if it’s because I’m under a lot of stress with this whole leg drama or what, but wee things keep popping up – autism’s perhaps. I mostly usually manage to tick along as normal (and keep the differences to myself or swallow up the autism’s into my general daily behaviour – yeah exhausting but that’s how we roll.. all day every day.) lately they are spilling out and becoming rather noticeable to me.
I finally figured out yesterday why I remember some events and not others.
I was at the swimming pool. One of my very common self doubts is did I lock the car. I ALWAYS find I did if I double check, but why do I do this?
On this particular occasion I wondered this after I was inside the pool getting changed. I would look a bit odd if I got dressed again and went outside just to do that, so I sat and thought about it.
When I locked the car I went round the side to do this. At the same time a car pulled up into the space beside me. All they seemed to be doing is swapping drivers. I remember thinking that’s a bit odd. Then I locked the car and went inside.
If I actually create a visual memory of the event, I mean a moving image memory of the event, that I can replay in my mind – like the above example – then I will remember.
THAT is what a visual memory is. It’s a term used way too much and often in error.
My memories need to have images, moving images connected to the event. A simple fact spoken or written in words is meaningless to me when it comes to remembering things.
I was on the phone today to the anaesthetist. I’m due to have surgery on Thursday. She was asking me questions.
It was a seemingly normal conversation but this is what sticks out to me the most.
She asked me a question – I can’t even remember what question it was. I was thinking of the answer. Before I had chance to say anything, the caller said hello? Are you still there?
YES.. I AM THINKING!!
It takes me longer to process things than someone who is not autistic. give us a bit of time to get there! It didn’t even feel like a long gap of silence to me!
I can apply this in so many different contexts and it has so many different affects on me. Usually stress related!
Let’s look at this whole leg thing.
When they first found the problem – total panic, bordering on melt down.
Then I sat and thought about it. A few days later I have made peace with almost every possible surgery outcome. But it took me a few days. And a few hundred comments from my husband saying ‘don’t worry about it!’ But I eventually got there.
I’m still pondering on an autism based tattoo… 🤔