The trauma journey is a unique one that is different to everyone. I will talk about my experiences only.
I feel like I have been in the fight or flight defence mode for ever. I probably have.. well at least since the wrongs were done to me prior to my amputation 5 years ago.
It’s difficult to appreciate how you are different, how everything is different when you are the one inside it all.
All I have been able to do is put one foot in front of the other and take things day by day. Try to stay on a level and try to keep my fitness routine regular. Sometimes I succeeded at some of these, sometimes I didn’t.
Recently I have noticed something different happening. I asked my psychologist to scientifically explain what was happening. That aspect is what I want to share with you today.
The stages of trauma
You can find whatever models you like on the internet, but the fact of the matter is, dealing with and recovering from trauma is not a linear process. Plus, it is very different for every individual.
The one thing you must remember though, is that trauma changes you. You are no longer the same person that you were prior. You do not recover from it, get over it, or whatever term you want to use. You live with it, learn to manage the triggers and the fall out symptoms of those.
First steps
For me, this was being able to start to recognise moments where I may not be in fight or flight mode. This, for me, felt like snippets of time where I felt like, just for a moment, the old me, I am going to call it. The only way I found to describe this to someone other than myself is ‘moments of clarity’. Times where, for a minute, I felt amazing, like I had the positivity, mind set and drive of the pre-trauma version of myself. This has only started to happen very recently. It doesn’t last long, it’s unpredictable when it happens, and it is interspersed with the default trauma setting I have become more accustomed to.
It was not till I got to this stage that I began to recognise exactly how dark the whole of the past 5 years have been, in mental health terms.
On a recent visit to the pool, this ‘clarity’ was like feeling like I was gliding along, everything form wise was dialled in, and I was at one with the water, the process, I felt great.
I don’t know why then, on that particular day, but when I asked my psychologist to explain what was happening, she simply said ‘it’s the start of healing’.
Unconscious regressions
And then, the other night, my recurring nightmare returned. I used to have this every single night but I haven’t had one for a long time. I directly relate this to my recent visit to the local hospital to see a foot surgeon and the upcoming prospect of foot surgery.
I am not consciously anxious and stressed about this right now. But PTSD is when the brain rewires itself wrong when healing from trauma. So my trauma damaged brain thinks that there’s a threat, so it triggers a trauma response. When fact, this circumstance is unrelated to the original trauma and does not represent a threat at all.
Coping with unexpected triggers
All I can do in this instance is reassure myself that there is no threat, that I am ok, ground myself in the here and now. I also created a visual journal page, in the hopes that at an unconscious level at least, it would help to calm the farm. I did not have that dream again the next night.
Crisis averted, for now.
But when you are living with PTSD, this can happen at my time. The trick is to have some coping strategies at hand for when those times occur.
