What is autistic burnout? Its complete exhaustion that affects basic executive functioning, usually caused by the massive effort it takes masking our autism all the time to cope with the world and appear ‘normal’ on the outside.
Masking my autism
This is something almost all people with autism find they have to do whether it is at a conscious or unconscious level.
Why?
Living in a neurotypical world is incredibly hard and very exhausting. Let me explain.
Brain dump time..
On any given day day, I use much more energy than a neurotypical person – just to function. Conversations with people: deciphering and processing meaning, working out fact from jokes from sarcasm. Trying to work out someone else’s emotion in a conversation. Hypersensitive hearing: I hear everything all the time without a filter. The more background noise there is the more I struggle to focus on any one thing. And listening to / conversing with someone in this type of environment is very exhausting to do.
I’m in a cafe writing this. I have a conversation going on to my right about study techniques, two ladies to my right talking about pastimes, 3 people in front and to my right talking about the stresses of work v life.. another conversation I can’t make out on the other side of the room.. a man talking to his son… I hear them all, at the same time, at the same volume. I cannot filter or shut any out. It’s as if everyone is shouting to me all at once.
A few days ago I was in a pub for dinner. There was a group on the table behind me talking, one of the men had a very loud voice (in my head he did, anyway). I literally couldn’t focus on anything at all so had to ask to move to another seat further away.
I have taken to wearing earplugs in public spaces (I recently got some loop earplugs, they are great!). I sit in a corner near a door if I can, so I have a fast exit and the noise is not completely surrounding me. If I’m having a hard day, I simply couldn’t even cope at all with too much noise.
My partner and I have devised a system of face signals to help me identify fact from sarcasm. We needed to do this because I was constantly misunderstanding him and getting upset all the time when there was no need.
I cover my ears a lot, sit in a corner rocking if it gets too much, he usually works out what’s wrong before I get to that stage. Usually, not always.
In public I have to put an act on. APPEAR normal even though I feel anything but. I look for facial cues and body language for meaning, I pretend.. a heck of a lot.. in order to fit in.
So, if there are some completely unrelated stresses in my life already, or if I am physically tired from too much standing or using my prosthetic, I often run out of energy to keep the mask up.
That’s when a bystander might say – you seem to be more autistic than normal today.
No.. I’m just less able to cover it up and pretend due to fatigue.
Cue autistic burnout.
What does autistic burnout feel like for me?
I feel like all the thoughts in my brain are swirling around like a cyclone, just above my head out of reach.. and I can’t quite get a grasp of any one of them.
I go into shut down mode. Will sit in silence unable to function for hours at a time.
I struggle to talk – to anyone
I misunderstand like everything. Even more than normal.
Everything is overwhelming and everything upsets me.
It really is a horrid place to be.
What do I need to cope with burnout?
- Quiet safe space
- Read a book.. I love books.. because they are like silent movies in my brain
- Get outside into nature
- Gentle exercise
- Write. My journal (pen and paper) helps me process a lot of things by getting it out of my head and onto paper.
- Crafting (my current calm the farm craft pastimes are minature models and scrapbooking)
