Do not underestimate the weight of living with PTSD. It is singly the most impactful aspect of everything that has happened to me.
I cannot control it. The hardwiring in my brain has been permanently damage by trauma. I will never ‘get over it. I will never be the same as I once was. this is something that I will live with for the rest of my life.
How ACC can put a price limit of $100,000 on a life is beyond me. But I am not going to dwell on that. I just wanted to mention it.
Triggers recently that are contributing to my PTSD flare up
- Upcoming foot surgery. (Hospitals, it doesn’t even have to be the same hospital as the original)
- Constant changes of case manager at ACC. (Instantly springs me into fight or flight mode. Because for 5 of the 5.5 years I have been dealing with them, i have been fighting them legally speaking).
- Barriers / unjust discrimination in the community. (Related to the not being listened to aspect of my entire losing a leg journey).
All I can do in these circumstances is move to self preservation mode. I cannot control all the external factors, I cannot control how my brain reacts to them. But, I can remove myself from situations that cause unnecessary stress for me right now. These are constantly changing depending what is going on externally (and internally) for me.
You might call it, self preservation. Or maybe it is putting myself and my mental health first.
Some of the symptoms of my PTSD
- Recurring nightmares come back
- Anxiety
- Heightened depression
- Withdrawal
- Lack of motivation
- Much more emotional
- Increased fatigue
PTSD is not linear. mental health recovery is not linear. Nor is it predictable.
I am trying my hardest to be present. Sometimes that fight is too great.
Now is one of those times.
Just keep going, its always darkest before dawn.
Thank you x
I can relate to your symptoms. My own PTSD hits me the same ways. Like you, I will have spikes in the intensity of how it’s affecting me.
You WILL get through this difficult patch. You are a survivor, and you can survive what your brain is doing.
I am glad I found your blog. I will keep up with your posts going forward. It is nice to know that others out there would understand. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy and I’m all alone because nobody around me gets how much of a challenge PTSD can be.
Cheers 🙂